Mothers-in-law get a bad rap, but sometimes they deserve it. Whether they’re telling you how to parent your kids or offering other unsolicited advice because they know best, they have a habit of sticking their nose in where it’s not always wanted.
One woman was reduced to tears after her mother-in-law texted her husband to tell him she thought his wife was a neglectful mom. She turned to netizens to share her side of the story and get their opinions on the matter.
More info: Mumsnet
RELATED:Mothers-in-law can be an overbearing handful, as this woman found out the hard way
Heavily pregnant and mother to a toddler, she takes a quick bath when her sciatica becomes too much to bear
When she takes these baths, she lets her toddler play alone, but only in part of the house and always within earshot
When her mother-in-law found out about this, she texted the woman’s husband to claim she was being neglectful
The husband sprang to his wife’s defense, but she’s still wondering if leaving her kid semi-supervised while taking a bath from time to time makes her an awful parent
Being pregnant is hard enough, but throw in intense back pain and a toddler, and it’s a full-time endurance test. OP, dealing with sciatica and symphysis pubis dysfunction (SPD), found half an hour of relief by soaking in the bath while her 2-year-old daughter played nearby. Everything was baby-proofed, doors bolted, and cartoons queued up.
The bathroom is within earshot of OP’s daughter’s play areas, with safety locks on cupboards and meds locked away in a tall cabinet. The kid moves freely between the living room, her bedroom, and occasionally joins OP to play with bath toys. It’s their version of supervised independence; short, calm, and safe.
However, when the OP’s mother-in-law found out about the midday bath breaks, she accused her of being “neglectful.” Apparently, anything could happen in those 30 minutes. She texted her son to voice her disapproval, despite never having raised concerns before. The whole thing shook OP’s confidence.
Thankfully, her husband stood by her, calling her an excellent mother and shutting down his mom’s criticism. Still, the harsh comment stung. OP has since turned to a community of netizens to ask if she’s wrong for needing that half hour of pain relief while ensuring her child is safe, secure, and entertained.
From what OP tells us in her post, her mother-in-law seems quite toxic. So, unless she wants her husband to defend her every time something comes up, how can she deal with her difficult mom-in-law? We went looking for answers.
In her article for Choosing Therapy, Tricia Johnson writes that a toxic mother-in-law can have a powerful impact on relationships, using manipulation tactics and subtle control that may go unnoticed by others, especially their own child.
According to Johnson, these behaviors can create tension and lead to issues like low self-esteem, anxiety, and even depression. Signs of a toxic mother-in-law include her disrespecting your boundaries, thinking she’s always right, passive aggression, emotional abuse, and gaslighting.
Johnson suggests a few ways to cope with a toxic mother-in-law, including communicating openly with your partner, setting realistic expectations and boundaries, practicing self-care and self-compassion, and not falling for the victim card.
In an article on the MomWell website, the authors write that boundary setting is self-care. It’s a declaration that you’re important; that you value yourself and your needs. Setting boundaries with in-laws isn’t disrespectful. It’s crucial for our well-being – and it’s also part of having a healthy relationship in the long run.
Maybe it’s time OP had a face-to-face, one-on-one, chat with her nosey mother-in-law. Who knows – maybe she’ll be able to rope her into some babysitting duty while she’s at it. One way or another, she definitely needs to defend her self-care.
We reached out to psychologist Dr. Tirrell De Gannes of the Thriving Center of Psychology to get his take on OP’s situation. We asked Dr. De Gannes what kind of long-term emotional impact unsolicited criticism from a mother-in-law can have on a pregnant woman’s sense of self-worth and parenting confidence—especially when she’s already physically vulnerable.
He had this to say, “Depending on the relationship with the mother-in-law, unsolicited criticism can lead to any number or combination of negative consequences emotionally. Common reactions are resentment towards the mother-in-law, a decreased sense of trust and vulnerability with her or other women, perpetual feelings of anger, increased feelings of anxiety, and depressive feelings,”
De Gannes went on to add, “Not to mention, the pregnant woman’s sense of self-worth, particularly as a mother with another child on the way can plummet. Add to this equation the physical limitations and the impact on the body that comes with having multiple children, the pregnant mother can feel a sense of hopelessness that is difficult to break from if she takes the mother-in-law’s criticisms to heart.”
What would you do if you found yourself in OP’s shoes? Do you think she’s entitled to some periodic pain relief, or does her mother-in-law have a point? Let us know your opinion in the comments!
In the comments, readers agreed the original poster’s mom should be offering to help out rather than telling tales and told her she wasn’t being unreasonable at all
