Since we were little, we all knew that insulting someone or calling names was a big no-no. However, life is full of big no-nos, and to counteract some of them, you have to use them for your own good. And an insult is probably one of the most used of the forbidden in the life of an adult.
However, we are not talking here about calling someone a beaner, bronco buster, or something by far nastier – the insults in our list will make the receiver shiver from your intelligence, quiver at their own incompetence, and feel the undeniable superiority of your wit. Yes, here they are, the best insults ever recorded on the internet, delivered fresh & hot right to your screen.
Knowing fully well that by spreading nasty, you only get nasty back, we’ve figured out that calling someone to get back to Earth requires certain finesse and flair; thus, calling someone a phallus head does not make it into our list.
Instead, these comebacks are as subtle as Claude Debussy’s Clair de Lune, as camouflaged as the workings of Sherlock Holmes, and as bright as Albert Einstein himself. Oh, also, as beautifully versed as the sonnets of Mr. William! So, we bet that out of these original insults, you’ll definitely find one to put in your pocket and air out when needed.
Well, are you ready to check out our list of the best insults ever? If so, clear up a few RAMs’ worth of space in your coconut for memorization and skip to the comebacks just a bit further down. Once you are there, vote for the funniest insults and share this article with anyone in need.
#1 The Best Insults That Are Brutal But Brilliant
I’m not insulting you, I’m describing you.
#2
I could eat a bowl of alphabet soup and poop out a smarter statement than whatever you just said.
#3
May both sides of your pillow be uncomfortably warm.
#4
I’d agree with you but then we’d both be wrong.
#5
Don’t you get tired of putting makeup on your two faces every morning?
#6
Keep rolling your eyes, you might eventually find a brain.
#7
I’m glad to see you’re not letting education get in the way of your ignorance.
#8
Don’t be ashamed of who you are. That’s your parent’s job.
#9
I get so emotional when you’re not around. That emotion is happiness.
#10
I am returning your nose. I found it in my business.
#11
You are so ugly that when your mom dropped you off at school, she got a ticket for littering.
#12
I’m jealous of all the people who haven’t met you.
#13
You are the human version of period cramps.
#14
You’ve only got 2 brain cells and they are both fighting for 3rd place.
#15
Isn’t it dangerous to use your whole vocabulary in one sentence?
#16
You couldn’t pour water out of a boot if the instructions were on the heel.
#17
I told my therapist about you.
#18
You are proof God has a sense of humor.
#19
I bet your mom doesn’t put your coloring pages on the fridge.
#20
I thought of you today. It reminded me to take out the trash.
#21 The Best Insults That Are So Good, They Should Be Illegal
You’re about as useful as an ashtray on a motorcycle.
#22
You’re so ugly even Stephen King has nightmares about you.
#23
Oh, you don’t like being treated the way you treat me? That must suck.
#24
Calling you an idiot would be an insult to all the stupid people.
#25
You must have been born on a highway. That’s where most accidents happen.
#26
Unless your name is Google, stop acting like you know everything.
#27
If genius skips a generation, your children will be brilliant.
#28
You’re a gray sprinkle on a rainbow cupcake.
#29
I love what you’ve done with your hair. How do you get it to come out of your nostrils like that?
#30
Yeah? Well, you smell like hot dog water.
#31 Funny But Savage Insults To Use With Style
I’d give you a nasty look, but you’ve already got one.
#32
You’re like the water that comes out of the ketchup bottle.
#33
If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person on the planet.
#34
I wish I had a flip phone, so I could slam it shut on this conversation.
#35
You are like a cloud. When you disappear, it’s a beautiful day.
#36
You’re the reason the gene pool needs a lifeguard.
#37 Smart Insults That Cut Deep Without Swearing
You should carry a plant around with you to replace the oxygen you waste.
#38
You’re the reason God created the middle finger.
#39
You must be the arithmetic man – you add trouble, subtract pleasure, divide attention, and multiply ignorance.
#40
If you’re going to be two-faced, at least make one of them pretty.
#41
Light travels faster than sound which is why you seemed bright until you spoke.
#42
It’s impossible to underestimate you.
#43
I’ll never forget the first time we met. But I’ll keep trying.
#44
Your face is just fine, but we’ll have to put a bag over that personality.
#45
I hope your wife brings a date to your funeral.
#46
I will ignore you so hard you will start doubting your existence.
#47
So, a thought crossed your mind? Must have been a long and lonely journey.
#48
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
#49
You are a fart factory, slug-slimed sack of rat guts in cat vomit. A cheesy scab picked pimple squeezing finger bandage. A week old maggot burger with everything on it and flies on the side.
#50
I’d like to help you out. Which way did you come in?
#51
I would prefer a battle of wits, but you appear unarmed.
#52
Somewhere, somehow, you are robbing a village of their idiot.
#53
If there was a market for bad ideas I’d want drilling rights to your head.
#54
You are more disappointing than an unsalted pretzel.
#55
Too bad you can’t Photoshop your ugly personality.
#56
You’re living proof it’s possible to live without a brain.
#57
Child, I’ve forgotten more than you ever knew.
#58
If laughter is the best medicine, your face must be curing the world.
#59
I believed in evolution until I met you.
#60
If I throw a stick, will you leave?
#61 Classic Insults That Never Go Out Of Style
When I see your face, there’s not a thing that I would change… Except the direction I was walking in.
#62
You should really come with a warning label.
#63
Stupidity isn’t a crime, so you’re free to go.
#64
The people who tolerate you on a daily basis are the real heroes.
#65
You push a lot of doors that say ‘pull’, don’t you?
#66
Hey, you have something on your chin. No, the 3rd one down.
#67
I would never date you. I’m lonely, not desperate.
#68
If you were the light at the end of the tunnel, I’d turn back around.
#69
I will slap you so hard even Google won’t be able to find you.
#70
If I said anything to offend you it was purely intentional.
#71
Don’t let your mind wander… It’s far too small to wander on its own.
#72
Oops, my bad. I could’ve sworn I was dealing with an adult.
#73
You have so many gaps in your teeth it looks like your tongue is in jail.
#74
If your brain was dynamite, there wouldn’t be enough to blow your hat off.
#75
You have an entire life to be an idiot. Why not take today off?
#76
OH MY GOD! IT SPEAKS!
#77
I forgot the world revolves around you. My apologies, how silly of me.
#78
Mirrors can’t talk. Lucky for you, they can’t laugh, either.
#79
If I had a dollar for every time you said something smart, I’d be broke.
#80 Best Insults To Win Any Argument Instantly
You look like something I would draw with my left hand.
#81
I bet your parents change the subject when their friends ask about you.
#82
Aww, it’s so cute when you try to talk about things you don’t understand.
#83
Don’t try to think too hard. You’re so stupid it might sprain your brain.
#84
Two wrongs don’t make a right. Take your parents, for instance.
#85
You have a face only a mother could love.
#86
You’re a person of rare intelligence. It’s rare when you show any.
#87
You bowl like your momma. Unless of course she bowls well, in which case you bowl nothing like her.
#88
Your face looks like a stuntman’s knee.
#89
I can explain it to you, but I can’t understand it for you.
#90
You bring everyone so much joy! You know, when you leave the room. But, still.
#91 Subtle Insults For When You Want To Be Petty Politely
I’m just glad that you’re stringing words into sentences now.
#92
If I had a face like yours, I would sue my parents.
#93
People like you are the reason God doesn’t talk to us anymore.
#94
You’re about as useful as a screen door on a submarine.
#95
I look ugly? Good. I was trying to look like you today.
#96
If you were any less intelligent I’d have to water you twice a week.
#97
Taking a picture of you would put a virus on my phone.
#98
If you went to a nursery you’d cause a crying spree.
#99
I’d say you’re ‘dumb as a rock,’ but at least a rock can hold a door open.
#100
If I typed ‘stupid’ in Google, your name would pop up.
#101
Your face looks like you’ve been using it as a doorstop.
#102
I know a mind reader who would charge you half price.
#103
I’m busy right now, can I ignore you another time?
#104
Your face makes onions cry.
#105
Don’t worry about me. Worry about your eyebrows.
#106
You are proof that evolution can go in reverse.
#107
I do not consider you a vulture. I consider you something a vulture would eat.
#108
I find the fact that you’ve lived this long both surprising and disappointing.
#109
You are the reason why shampoo has instructions.
#110
Isn’t there a bullet somewhere you could be jumping in front of?
#111
It’s hard to get the big picture when you have such a small screen.
#112
I’d rather treat my baby’s diaper rash than have lunch with you.
#113
People clap when they see you. They clap their hands over their eyes.
#114
You’re a conversation starter. Not when you are around, but once you leave.
#115
Were you born this stupid or did you take lessons?
#116
Please just tell me you don’t plan to home-school your kids.
#117
Good story, but in what chapter do you shut up?
#118
You are so full of crap, the toilet’s jealous.
#119
If you can’t laugh at yourself, I’d be glad to do so for you.
#120
You look like a dropped pie.
#121 Playful Insults For Friends Who Can Take A Joke
I’m an acquired taste. If you don’t like me, acquire some taste.
#122
If you were an inanimate object, you’d be a participation trophy.
#123
In the land of the witless, you would be king.
#124
Your only purpose in life is to become an organ donor.
#125
The last time I saw a face like yours, I fed it a banana.
#126
Don’t feel bad. A lot of people have no talent.
#127
I’d slap you but I don’t want to make your face look any better.
#128
Well, the jerk store called, and they’re running out of you.
#129
I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll make an exception.
#130
Your secrets are always safe with me. I never even listen when you tell me them.
#131 Clever One-Liner Insults That Hit Just Right
Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
#132
As an outsider, what do you think of the human race?
#133
You make me increase the amount of caffeine I take daily.
#134
Bye. Hope to see you never.
#135
You look so pretty. Not at all gross, today.
#136
When you look in the mirror, say hi to the clown you see in there for me, would you?
#137
Grab a straw, because you suck.
#138
You’re my favorite person… Besides every other person I’ve ever met.
#139
Your mouth should be as silent as the ‘p’ in psychology.
#140
You’re so stupid that it’s illegal for military to draft you.
#141
I was today years old when I realized I didn’t like you.
#142
Did the mental hospital test too many drugs on you today?
#143
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful. Hate me because your boyfriend thinks so.
#144
Did your parents ever ask you to run away from home?
#145
You’ve been trying to get your summer body since two winters ago.
#146
Serial killers would run mad if they tried to make you a victim.
#147
Your eyebrows look like eagle’s wings.
#148
You need lemons to make lemonade and you ain’t got no lemons.