Former US President Calvin Coolidge was famous for his laconic language – they say that once some eccentric lady made a bet with her friend that she could get the President to talk for more than two words. All Coolidge responded to her with was allegedly: “You lost.”
Most likely, Coolidge would feel extremely uncomfortable in today’s corporate world, with its streamlined diplomatic wordings, weasel words, and that indescribable feeling that you’ve just been slung with mud, but done so incredibly elegantly. And it’s precisely these features of corporate language that this selection of ours is dedicated to.
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#1
Big boss where I used to work used to start emails with “help me understand…”
I use the same technique now.
#2
“please see the attached email”
Attached email is one they sent 2 weeks ago saying the exact opposite s**t, in their own words.
#3
“I don’t believe that’s accurate based on the information I have”.
Just a couple of days ago, a thread appeared in the AskReddit community, the author of which, the user u/Original_Giraffe_830, asked netizens the question: “How does one say ‘you are lying’ in a corporate way?”
To be honest, we don’t know whether the topic starter really wanted to elegantly catch someone out for being untruthful, or just wanted to expand their vocabulary – but they definitely achieved their goals!
The result was over 4.2K upvotes and around a thousand comments with the best examples of corporate language of our time. So, please read and enjoy everything in our new list, carefully made for you by We!
#4
“Don’t f*****g lie to me you weasel!”.
#5
Do we have evidence / data to confirm that fact?
#6
“that doesn’t align with my understanding based on our SOT”.
No, humanity has always tried to clothe its thoughts in the most effective images, and, for example, the ancient Vikings are an excellent example of this. It’s enough to remember the so-called “kennings” – conditional formulations used by them to replace this or that word. For example, “boar of waves” was “ship”, “flame of the sea” stood for “gold”, and “storm of swords” was actually “battle”.
However, that was a thousand years ago, when any careless word could lead to a challenge to a duel – so it was way better to be fluent in your tongue than in your sword. Today, we are much less likely to run into a skilled swordsman in the office, so why do we resort to various euphemisms to point out a lie to a colleague?
#7
Point your finger at their chest and say “that’s horses**t, Frank.”.
#8
Group setting – “Hmm, I’m not confident that we’re aligned here. Let’s discuss offline.”
Private but friendly – “Hey why aren’t we on the same page?”
Private but not friendly – “I’m 100% confident that we’re not on the same page. Let’s figure out where the lapse is before this progresses.”
Private with another coworker – “I know that F*****G SKUNK is a lying piece of s**t. I’m gonna let them take this lie too far and then make them look like an a*****e.”.
#9
Everyone here is wrong. The answer is:
“Yeah. Um. I’m going to sort of have to go ahead and disagree with you there…”.
Over the past decades, a special corporate jargon has developed in our business environment, also known as ‘corpo lingo’ or even ‘corporatese,’ which is characterized by extremely vague formulations, intentionally complicated phrases and words, and numerous euphemisms.
The thing is that even the most difficult and unpleasant situations are usually presented in a much more positive form than they actually are when reporting to management. So, this excessive office diplomacy has grown into a separate jargon over time.
As the British journalist Steven Poole characterizes it, “engineered to deflect blame, complicate simple ideas, obscure problems, and perpetuate power relations.”
#10
“Hmm. My records/this article/this email thread indicate(s) that [another thing] happened. Is there something I’m overlooking here?”
That shows that you took the time to find proof, and gives the other party an opportunity to course-correct without getting defensive.
#11
The information you provided does not coincide with the facts…
#12
Recollections may vary.
Among the examples given in this collection, there are both indisputable masterpieces of corpo lingo, which even a highly experienced linguist will not be able to understand, and wordings designed to transfer the discussion of the problem to a private meeting – and then, if you are the boss, to express everything in much simpler and more direct words.
By the way, one of the best, in my opinion, techniques from this collection is to begin accusing subordinates of lying with the words: “help me understand…” At least now, if your boss ever addresses you with such a phrase, you know what to expect. As the saying goes, “forewarned is forearmed.”
#13
That opinion is unencumbered by reality.
#14
In a group setting: “I’m not clear/onboard with your premise or conclusions. Let’s break out when its mutually convenient and see if we can get on the same page and move forward.”
In a private setting with a peer or subordinate: “I call b******t but you can convince me I’m wrong”.
With a superior: “If that’s your call we can run with it but I’m not following the merits”. (If the relationship is healthy).
#15
“i’m struggling to reconcile that with the data we have”.
In any case, I believe that even if you don’t work in an office but are simply interested in all the rich possibilities of the English language when it comes to expressing your noble indignation at the fact that your deeply respected interlocutor was deliberately distorting information, this selection will be very interesting and useful for you.
And now I will go incredibly laconic – please feel free to read this list to the very end, and maybe add your own beautiful examples of such corpo lingo wordings in the comments below.
#16
That’s not how I understood what happened.
#17
Based on what was reported, that doesn’t seem to be the case.
#18
“Here is what I am seeing, am I missing something?”.
#19
Any sentence that begins with “We” that you didn’t agree to be part of.
#20
That’s inconsistent with our findings.
#21
“I believe there may be a discrepancy in the information provided.”
“Could you please clarify or verify the accuracy of that statement?”
“It seems there might be a misunderstanding or misstatement here.”
“I have concerns about the accuracy of that information.”.
#22
“I’m not sure that’s the case”.
#23
Or possibly:
“I don’t believe that’s accurate based on the information WE BOTH have”.
Takes away the wiggle room they might have to say that their view was different to yours because they had different information to you.
#24
That does not align with the information I have documented.
#25
You don’t.
You start the email with “I’m a little confused…”
And just attach evidence.
If you don’t have evidence to attach, you don’t send the email.
#26
“Listen here you shifty little b***h”.
#27
Actually lying? Like not just being wrong about something or understating a negative to be polite?
In such a situation, the polite and professional (i.e. “corporate”) thing to do would be to allow for the possibility of error on your own part and indicate a willingness to be persuaded otherwise.
“I don’t see how that could possibly be true. But I’m willing to listen to your explanation.”.
#28
“let’s circle back”
“we can take this offline”.
#29
That doesn’t align with the understanding shared by the team.
#30
Stop cappin’.
#31
I don’t believe your data adequately reflects our present situation.
#32
“I smell b******t” this is probably why I don’t work in a corporate environment but it’s gotten me this far.
#33
I think you need to go back and sharpen your pencil on that one.
#34
The situation on the ground doesn’t reflect that interpretation.
#35
B******t!
#36
That is conflicting with previous reports.
#37
“Recollections may vary”.